Fw: [uuc] FW: More Dinosaurs Are The Solution To The Oil Crisis

["Christian Els" <tiAn@usiw.net>]

OK, so it's a little off-topic, but it does mention VW Rabbit's, and it's
funny as hell...


----- Original Message -----
To: <bmwuucdigest@uucdigest.com>

Enjoy!

 More Dinosaurs Are The Solution To The Oil Crisis

 BY DAVE BARRY

 IF YOU'VE been to a gas station lately, you have no
 doubt been shocked by the prices: $1.67, $1.78, even
 $1.92. And that's just for Hostess Twinkies. Gas
 prices are even worse. Americans are ticked off about
 this, and with good reason: Our rights are being
 violated! The First Amendment clearly states: ``In
 addition to freedom of speech, Americans shall always
 have low gasoline prices, so they can drive around in
 `sport utility' vehicles the size of minor planets.''

 And don't let any so-called ``economists'' try to tell
 you that foreigners pay more for gas than we do.
 Foreigners use metric gasoline, which is sold in
 foreign units called ``kilometers,'' plus they are
 paying for it with foreign currencies such as the
 ``franc,'' the ``lira'' and the ``doubloon.'' So in
 fact there is no mathematical way to tell WHAT they
 are paying.

 But here in the United States we are definitely
 getting messed over, and the question is: What are we
 going to do about it?
 Step 1, of course, is to file a class-action lawsuit
 against the cigarette companies. They have nothing to
 do with gasoline, but juries really hate them, so we'd
 probably win several hundred billion dollars.
 But that is a short-term answer. To truly solve this
 problem, we must understand how the oil business
 works. Like most Americans, you probably think that
 gasoline comes from the pump at the gas station. Ha
 ha! What an idiot. In fact, the gasoline comes from
 tanks UNDER the gas station. These tanks are connected
 to underground pipelines, which carry large oil
 tankers
 filled with oil from the Middle East.

 But how did the oil get in the Middle East in the
 first place? To answer that question, we must go back
 millions of years, to an era that geologists call
 the Voracious Period, when giant dinosaurs roamed the
 Earth, eating everything that stood in their path,
 except for broccoli, which they hated. And then, one
 fateful day (Oct. 8), a runaway asteroid, believed by
 scientists to be nearly twice the diameter of the late
 Orson Welles, slammed into the Earth and killed the
 dinosaurs, who by sheer bad luck all happened to be
 standing right where it landed. The massive impact
 turned the dinosaurs, via a process called
 photosynthesis, into oil; this oil was then gradually
 covered with a layer of sand, which in turn was
 gradually covered by a layer of people who hate each
 other, and thus the Middle East was formed. For many
 years, the Middle East was content to supply the
 United States with as much oil as we wanted at fair
 constitutional prices. But then the major
 oil-producing nations -- Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq,
 Kuwait and Texas -- got all snotty and formed an
 organization called OPEC, which stands for ``North
 Atlantic Treaty Organization.'' In the 1970s, OPEC
 decided to raise prices, and soon the United States
 was caught up in a serious crisis: The Disco Era. It
 was horrible. You couldn't go to a bar or wedding
 reception without being
 ordered onto the dance floor to learn ``The Hustle.''
 AT THE SAME time, we also had an oil crisis, which was
 caused by the fact that every motorist in the United
 States was determined to keep his or her automobile
 gas tank completely filled at all times. As soon as
 your gas gauge dropped from ``Full'' to
 ``Fifteen-sixteenths,'' you'd rush to a gas station
 and get in a huge line with hundreds of other
 motorists who also had nearly full tanks. Also a lot
 of people, including me, saved on heating oil by
 buying kerosene space heaters, which enabled us to
 transform a cold, dank room into a cold, dank room
 filled with kerosene fumes. Buying gas and dancing
 ``The Hustle'' with people who smelled like
 kerosene: That was the '70s.

 So anyway, the oil crisis finally ended, and over time
 we got rid of our Volkswagen Rabbits and replaced them
 with Chevrolet Suburbans boasting the same fuel
 economy as the World Trade Center. Now, once again, we
 find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the
 question is: This time, are we going to learn from the
 past? Are we finally going to get serious about energy
 conservation? Of course not! We have the brains of
 mealworms! So we need to get more oil somehow. As far
 as I can figure, there's only one practical way to do
 this. That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs.
 We have the technology, as was shown in two
 blockbuster scientific movies, ``Jurassic Park'' and
 ``Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot.''
 Once we have the dinosaurs, all we need is an
 asteroid. Or, if he is available, Marlon Brando.
 If this plan makes sense to you, double your
 medication dosage, then write to your congressperson.
 Do it now! That way you'll be busy when I siphon your tank.



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