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Mechanics Tool Description
I can't help but think it should be retitled, ;The Pessimists' Toolchest..."
:-)
David
----- Original Message -----
From: "Greg Pallett" <greg.rocco@gmail.com>
To: "Tonee Northam" <pb3vr6@yahoo.com>
Cc: "the list" <scirocco-l@scirocco.org>
Sent: Tuesday, December 06, 2005 9:29 PM
Subject: Re: Mechanics Tool Description
That's great. I think I read some of those in a Sideglances column that
Peter Egan writes for Road and Track, but if I start to look for that column
now I'll be up all night. Luckily he has the available bound in book form
(excelent gift idea!)
GP
On 12/6/05, Tonee Northam <pb3vr6@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
> Sorry, had to share.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> painted airplane part you were drying.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
> hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
> "Ouch...."
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
> until you die of old age.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion,
> and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
> future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
> hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the
> wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ?
> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
> you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly
> under the bumper.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
> off a hydraulic jack handle.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
> floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
> drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has
> an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
> drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which
> is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's
main
> purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm
> howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle
> of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
> as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts
> last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at GMC, and neatly rounds off
> their heads.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far
> from the object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
> such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
> While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool
> that you will need.
>
> EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
> eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
> foresight.
>
> JESUS PIN: Any roll pin, spring clip, or similar fastener that when
> released, flys away supersonically, never to be seen again, causing you to
> shout: "JESUS !!!" as loud as possible.
>
> I.Y.A.O.Y.A.S.: If you ain't Ordnance, you ain't super!!!
>
>
>
> Elmhurst, IL
> '84 8V
> '00 GTI VR6
> '93 Corrado VR6
> '00 Plymouth Voyager
>
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--
Aronsons First Law
People who do crazy things are not necessarily crazy
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