Fw: indeed

["Zach Vrooman" <zach@discover-net.net>]

<non roc as all hell, but funny anyway>


"The American Counter Attack"
DATE: 11/15/2000 (that's 15/11/2000 to you)
TO:    United Kingdom
FROM:    The United States of America
SUBJECT:    NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

>To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain
>and Northern Ireland,We welcome your concern about our electoral process.
It
>must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a
>distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually
>a world power. The sun never sets on the British
>Empire! Right-o chum!
>
>However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the
>other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy
>(for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to
no
>real power).
>
>After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as
>the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a
>monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the
>world.
>
>To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a
>series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
>
>1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you
>aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's
>use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman)
>invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in
>common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming
>convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch
>back to the _original_ spelling  and pronunciation of the word, at which
>point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that
>the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and
>a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the
>Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that
>over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy
>American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
>
>2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll
>talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
>
>3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85
>=2.15)
>
>4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.
Don't
>rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two
>Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard
>good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't
>exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with
>music, so keep up the good work on that front.
>
>5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
>whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has
>an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania
ditty,
>it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again
>for you guys.
>
>6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United
>States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics.
United
>Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You
>almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start
>an international incident.
>
>7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar
>chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your
>country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are
>soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize
>the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.
>
>8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is
>that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing,
>it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a
>car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins.
That's
>why we bought the companies.
>
>9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
>
>Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap
>operas.
>
>p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.



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